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Boris produces bubbles of nonsense when asked about Carrie | John Crace

Written by Javed Iqbal

Boris Johnson could count himself lucky. He was not up against the RMT union leader. Mick Lynch has already seen off Kay Burley, Piers Morgan, Labor Jenny Chapman and several half-wise Tory MPs. Chris Philp and Jonathan Gullis were chewed up and spat out. So it would be a racing certainty that the convict would get worse in any one-on-one with Lynch. A very good reason why the Tories have made no effort to engage with RMT.

But the convict had to face a resuscitation Keir Starmer. In recent weeks, the Labor leader has seemed underpowered. As if his mind were somewhere else. But by Wednesday’s prime minister’s question, he was fully on it. Not all gags landed, but then they did not need it. Johnson looked hopeless out of his depth from the start. Powerless to defend his record. Not even the Tories now believe on the Tory line that Labor is to blame for the rail strikes. More to the point, the public certainly seems to know where the fault lies.

First, however, was a question from Labor’s Chris Elmore. Can Johnson confirm or deny if he has ever tried to blame a job in the government or the royal house for his girlfriend – now wife – Carrie Johnson? Bubbles of nonsense dribbled out of the convict’s mouth. What he had done was find many other people a job. Which must be why so many people are out of work. But no outright denial. Everyone was just amazed that he had not lied.

So we can take that as a yes. After all, Johnson’s only interest is in institutions and their security measures in how they can be distorted and corrupted for his purposes. What is the point of doing all that hassle of becoming Foreign Secretary or Prime Minister if you will not try to use your influence to find your girlfriend a job?

To hell, he had bought his own brother with a peer. He had given Evgeny Lebedev a peerage. Even Evgeny’s friends have not yet found out if he exists in three dimensions. He most resembles a bearded cardboard cut. A billionaire without quality. And it is rumored that he is planning to elevate Paul Dacre to Lords. So finding his latest lover a warm number was a complete no-brainer. I mean, who would not want to be paid £ 100,000 for almost nothing in the State Department if the only other job offered was as a £ 10,000 cleaning assistant in a nursing home?

PMQs: Boris Johnson and Keir Starmer collide over rail attack video

With the convict visibly rattled, Starmer struck. The Tory candidate in the Wakefield by-election had been put to a no-confidence vote by his own party. Did it ring any bells? Maybe Johnson should consider himself something of a trendsetter. Buy one, get one for free. Maybe there were run on useless people running for office in Conservatives. And was there a reason Boris had not actually bothered to visit Wakefield? Had he decided that two shitty people that no one wants standing next to each other were not the best looking?

“Pifflepafflewifflewaffle.” Johnson joked, his face turning red from the effort of trying to speak in understandable sentences. “But what about the railroad strikes?” Oh, glad you mentioned them, Starmer said. He might have been media-shy the day before, but he was now ready for a conversation.

What in the world had Convict and Grant Shapps done to themselves in the last few months? Had the transport secretary stopped on holiday in Málaga again? Only two years ago, he had had to cancel his breaks before they started, as he had not realized that the government’s own health regulations had changed. How stupid do you have to be to become a minister these days?

Still, Johnson and Shapps had both turned up for a Tory fundraiser at V&A this week, where Johnson had found someone willing to pay £ 120,000 for dinner with him, Theresa May and David Cameron. Most sensible rich people would pay more than that to get out of a dinner with that cast. Then you could at least escape without Boris trying to tease you. There were probably no participants for a day of Create Your Own Ponzi Scheme with Michael Green.

A lot was pointed out from the Tory benches. Until they gradually found out that they were in fact the government – I know that is sometimes hard to believe – and that they were largely responsible for the chaos. Whereby they were silent. Johnson bubbled on, but only to make a bad situation worse. He claimed to love the railways and build the Northern Powerhouse Rail. Only no one in the North believes it will ever happen. Still nice to know that the convict had rediscovered his talent for lying. That’s the only thing he excels at.

Johnson went on to deny any knowledge of the banks’ bonuses, which he had given the green light to just a few days earlier before qualifying. It was true that bankers had lots of money, because then they could use it in the small people’s shops. Starmer had the last word for once. Just do your damn job. It was astonishing that the strike had nothing to do with the government, as Johnson had just bragged about how much he had done for the railroads. He had a point.

The rest of the PMQs passed in a vague meaningless fog. Labor just secured the victory while the Tories pinched. Had their leader really been so useless? The session ended with the satire meal. “There is no room for bullying in our society,” the convict said. This from a man who had refused to fire Priti Patel after she had been found guilty of bullying her employees. And who should sit next to him? Priti Vacant himself. Wearing a blue anti-bullying tape. She can not resist trolling her victims.

Then we had two statements designed to encourage the more rabid Tory backers. Dominic Raab went first and insisted that he really hated foreigners and that even though his new law on rights would still recognize the European Convention on Human Rights, it would only recognize the parts we liked. Don’t worry, we would still be able to deport refugees. Ah, said a few dissatisfactions. But would we be able to get rid of enough refugees? Raab just shrugged.

Then came the apotheosis of decay. Steps forward, Jacob Rees-Mogg. There was a time when the skeleton in the dusty, double-breasted suit thought of its chances. Thought he was either king or kingmaker. Now he is washed up. On the way down. So shit that he can not even use Boris.

In his role as Minister for Brexit, the best thing he could find was for ordinary players to log on to his website to propose EU laws they no longer wanted. Yes, we have hit GDP by 4% just to make more powerful vacuum cleaners. Wow. It makes it all worth it.

Even conservative MPs could see that this was hopeless and almost no one spoke. The statement was over in an instant. This was government by vain gesture. Out of ideas. Get into the prison. Your time has passed.

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Javed Iqbal

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